I figured I’d better write about this in the moment.
When there are tears streaming, my ear hurts and I feel terribly guilty.
There is more to this, but I want to share this moment because I want my children to read this and understand what they may feel someday. The beauty of blogging. Also, I have a few friends in the same situation or headed this way soon.
I took Mimi to a Personal Care Home yesterday.
And left her there.
The last thing she said to me was “Are you just dumping me here? “
I told her no, but I guess I really am. At least that is what my guilty, selfish mind feels.
There is a lot to having your mother or anyone in your house for a stretch of time. I am a pleaser, a hostess by nature, so I probably do a bit more than some for whomever is here.
Even my mother.
And my mind is always at work about whatever guest is here. Not sure that even makes sense.
The home where I left mama yesterday is not fancy, but neither is she. There are 6 other ladies living in the house including mama’s sister in law, and sweet lady caregivers there to attend to mama’s needs. Her needs are not that great, but she requires more personal care since she forgets sometimes to make it to the bathroom. She does not go to the bathroom during the night, so the morning care is the most she needs during the day.
The guilt is washing over me because I am realizing how tight mama and I really are. We squabble a good bit, but that is the way we are. We’ve had stretches of weeks over the years when we would not speak because we are both pretty hard headed! She and I have been together pretty much solo since I was born. Daddy was an alcoholic–a “sociable” one–but still a drinker. My mother pulled the load for me. She put me through private schools and payed for all the shenanigans that following the crowd called for.
She always wanted whatever made me happy.
Now I take her out of my house and put her in the home of someone else.
I justify this knowing that she cannot live alone in her own home, neither can she afford to have 24 hour in home care. Mama is 91 and in really good health for a life of high blood pressure and now a tad bit of dementia.
She is holding steady.
My moving her is more for me– at least I think so.
When you are in my care, you are on my mind all the time.
Maybe I am thinking out of sight, out of mind? Not sure.
I feel the same way I did when I left my children with a sitter for the weekend. Is she having enough to eat? Did she sleep? My mother is tough, but she is old. She is depending on me to make the right decisions for her.
We had a glass of Chardonnay Thursday night over supper. I had been cluing mama to the move, but it did not set in until we got there yesterday. She thought we were going back to Crestwood, but we are not.
She is not.
This is another stage in life that is tough. It’s the last one.
We’ve always been happy girls, mama and me. She said “they’ve got to do better than this TV” yesterday. The set is a wood console tv that we probably had in the 70’s. I am headed back today if I can pull myself together, with her tv and cable box!
I appreciate your prayers for both of us.